


where was my fault in loving you with my whole heart?

by Lethally



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/M, POV Second Person, POV Third Person, depending of the drabble but no changes in the middle of one
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-04-07
Updated: 2013-06-13
Packaged: 2017-12-07 18:42:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/751770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lethally/pseuds/Lethally
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Started with this prompt: </p>
<p>captain swan AU, modern world. Emma and Killian are best friends since childhood. Now they are both 18 and they understand that between them there's more than friendship..;)</p>
<p>And then it became it's own AU, I'll add pieces as I write them<br/>(as of now Neal is not present and August has only been mentioned)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I never lived a year better spent in love

They are about the sign the lease for their new apartment when he grabs her arm as she reaches for the pen, his face serious, closed off as she has never seen it before, he tugs on her sleeve and takes her a few steps away from the realtor agent and the contract, he whispers, “I have something to tell you and- and I’d totally understand if you’d rather move in here with August after you hear what I have to say.”

“Killian, what is it? Why wouldn’t I want to be your roommate anymore? Just, tell me what’s going on”, she is worried, he has never made such declarations before and he looks almost sad as he is about to speak, “I’m- I’m in love with you Emma, and I am so sorry, I tried not to be, I tried not to let it affect our friendship and I swear if we move in together I won’t try a move on you, but I just thought you should know before we signed this contract.”

She doesn’t know what to say, as he spoke a blush covered her face but anger replaced her joy at the idea that she wouldn’t want to live with him anymore, “you are an incredibly oblivious idiot, I am in love with you, I’ve been in love with you since we were fourteen and even if I thought you didn’t care for me, I wanted us to still be roommate and go through college life together!”, she has delivered her speech while staring at his eyes and he looks so incredibly speechless she just wants to laugh, but instead she smirks at him and drag him back – she still remember how five year old him had done that to her, even though he did not know her then, to bring her to the corner he was playing in with August and said “we’re gonna be best friends” – to the realtor and kisses him on the cheek as she puts the pen in his hand.


	2. our breath is weak and our bodies thin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: They finally move in, things are awkward now they both know how they feel, no one make the first move, but they fight for the biggest room and boom they bang, no need to choose a room
> 
> (as the prompt says, smutty at some point ;D)

You have finally put the last box in the living room when you realize that you have to discuss the most serious problem - who gets the master bedroom - but you keep pretending that nothing is wrong, you both unpack your trinkets to give to the living room a more personal look, when Killian goes to unpack his cooking utensils and you know it will take him some time so you quietly make your way to the master bedroom with one of your clothes in a box in your arms and put it on the bed, now it is yours and he can’t contest it.

“You know that I know what you’re doing right?”, he calls from the kitchen, “you should look next to the bedside table”, you walk around the bed and you can see it, he has laid one of his box there too, “but that’s not fair!” you can’t help but call out, “because what you did was better?” is whispered in your ears and you jump, heart beating so strong you feel it against your ribcage.

You don’t turn around to hide your blush at his closeness - you still have not gotten used to it since you both revealed their feelings - and huff “fine, how do you want to settle this?”, “I propose… A race from the living room to the bed, the first who gets there gets the master bedroom”, you consider it carefully, you have not raced against each other since you had been twelve but back then you remembered always beating him and August - it is worth a try, it's probably the best chance you'll get - you raise your hand to shake on it, but he just smirks and goes to the entryway of the leaving room.

You put yourself in position next to him, one foot on the doorway the other parallel behind, your stare is fixed on the bedroom’s bed, your arms and legs tense and ready, “3, 2, 1 GO!” he says and you’re gone, faster than him as you remembered, you zigzag through the boxes on the floor and you’re almost inside the bedroom when you feel it, his hand grabs your left sleeve but you don’t let it stop you, as you get to the bed though you expect him to pull you down or away from the bed, but instead he pushes you so you fall on it, your back to the bed as he falls carefully over you, “gotcha” he smiles and suddenly you don’t remember why you’ve been running, all you see is his face, his breathless pants on your face and his smile that shows his dimples, you feel his heart beating wildly where your chest meets his and though both your hearts are erratic they sound like they are dancing together and as one slows the other slows too and then you have both caught your breath back but no one makes a move, afraid to ruin this moment.

He speaks first, "I don't put out on the first date", you laugh, you laugh so hard you can't stop and he starts laughing too, his mischievousness glinting from his beautiful blue eyes, and you're almost crying from laughing and you say, "Please, our first date was when we decided to build a pirate ship together in the sand, this is hardly our first date", he stops laughing, and his face changes, it's a new face on him, one you have never seen yet, "well if you see it like that", and his hands, his hands are at your hips slowly sliding your t-shirt - the ugly and half destroyed tank top you've been wearing to move your stuff - up your waist and over your head and the mood turns heated, hands touching everywhere and everything, roughly, tenderly, everything you've both ever dreamed of doing, finally able to do it, finally allowed to touch, smell, lick, scratch, mark - you have beard burn all over your face, your stomach, you inner thighs, he is teasing you everywhere, but you mark him too, your nails on his back, his muscled forearms that you've often stared at, you bite his neck, softly and then you bite his collarbone, hard when he finally enters you, you feel complete and it's so, so good you can't help but whine and moan his name, and you move your hips along his, and he smiles at you and he laughs and it's the happiest day of your life, until he says, "we should just sleep together in the master bedroom", and you're even happier, thanks to the idea of waking up every day next to him, and going to bed with him every night, you're happy and it's the best orgasm you've ever had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from Babel, Mumford and Sons again


	3. I tumble homeward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: AU modern world, first date and kiiss after the scene you have written :D
> 
> So fluffy your teeth will probably rot

You’re incredibly nervous, you’re walking down the streets of New York, holding _his hand_ , discovering your neighborhood for the first time - when you had been looking for an apartment you hadn’t had the time to check the neighbor, just that it was safe and close to a metro station , having to go home to Storybrooke, Maine and pack quickly before the start of college - you’ve gone to the typical first date, diner and the movies, and now he is walking you home, except you live together, and you’ve had sex together for the first time yesterday.

Sometimes you sneak little looks at his face and he is sometimes smiling to himself or looking at you with a look that scares you - when you see that look you want to cringe because it’s the kind of look Mom and Dad share, the kind of love that destroys you when you lose the other, and you’re pretty sure that you look at him the same way, as if he is your whole world, but you’re still scared - his hand sometimes squeezes yours, his thumb brushing over the back of your hand from time to time.

You’re arriving at the door of your building and you were going to just walk inside and try to shake the awkwardness that would surely happen, but he stops you right under the porch, he lets go of your hand, his warm hands are framing your face and he is leaning towards you slowly and you close your eyes waiting for it to happen, for your first real kiss – because yesterday’s doesn’t count, it was during the sex kisses, violent, wet, hungry, not first kiss like at all – but all you feel is his breath on your mouth, you open your eyes; he has stopped an inch away and looks at you simply waiting, a small smirk playing over his mouth and you finish the movement, you kiss him, and it’s the sweetest kiss you’ve ever had, it’s not even a real kiss just your lips against his and the intimacy of this is tearing you apart and rebuilding you, stronger and happier, and finally you think that you don’t have to be scared, he is your world too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from Lover of the Light, Mumford and Sons


	4. lend me your heart and I'll just let you fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: 
> 
> they fight, they yell at each other and Emma leaves

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from Mumford and Sons, Awake My Soul 
> 
> This is very angsty so the next piece should be them making up ;)  
> Also although the two first paragraph are two sentences, the third sentence is stretched over several paragraphs so as to be easier to read. 
> 
> Hope you will still like it, and I encourage critics of my work to help me improve

You’re done with him, it’s three am, you get up to pee and he still isn’t there, he is still out clubbing with _Milah_ – that name tastes like ashes on your tongue, you cannot stand to hear her name, you are _tired_ of this name, every sentence he utters it, and you know why, but you had hope – you still had some until you got up and you looked at yourself being the kind of women you never wanted to be, waiting in bed while your boyfriend does god knows what away from you, and you’re so tired of waiting, you’ve waited too long already, you are not the waiting kind of person. 

You go back to your room and you grab your dresser and you’re happy it’s made of a light material – except you shouldn’t have to be happy about it, you shouldn’t have to do this and it makes you sad – and you drag it to the second bedroom, the one you’ve been using as a guest room and an office since the day you moved, a year ago, then you go back in your- the master bedroom, you take your pillow and one of the blankets in the closet; it’s three thirty am and you go sleep in the guest bedroom. 

“Emma, Emma”, he shakes you awake and you’re still half asleep and you can smell it, the stench of alcohol in his breath and something else, something sweet and floral and bitter, and you shake your arm out of his grip, reminding yourself of why you’re sleeping there, “what do you want Killian? Leave me the fuck alone would you?”, “Emma, why are you sleeping here? And why did you move all your stuff?”, “Why, you ask? Maybe because I haven’t actually seen or talked to you for more than five minutes in three weeks? Maybe because you only come home after three am drunk off your ass and smelling like you’ve fucked someone else? Maybe that’s why Killian!”

you sit up against the headboard of the bed, while he is standing up over you and you hate that, you hate that you can feel him towering over you and you hate that you feel like your heart has been ripped out, then crushed and then put back into you, it hurts so much because you can see the state of his clothes, his shirt wrinkled in so many places and half sticking out of his trousers, his eyes are blood shot and now he looks at you angrily as if it’s your fault he left you for Milah and who knows else, but maybe finally he is going to tell you what you did, what made him drift away from you, you hope and again you know you shouldn’t 

“well, _maybe_ I am away every night because I am tired of seeing you and your _friend_ Neal being all cozy on _our_ couch and pretending to work when he flirts with you, every night I come home and he is here with you and I can’t even talk to you because he has something much more important to say, and maybe you are the one who left me going to bed alone first”

you can hear his mocking tone, parroting you as if you were whining and it’s the last straw; you leave your bed and you stand right in front of him, straight back and chin up like your father when he’s angry and you say your last word to _him_ the one you thought was forever but ends up being just an idiot 

“I worked with Neal because we had a paper to write in our Atlantic History class which counted for 60% of our grade, also we have actually turned that paper in two weeks ago, and he hasn’t been back since then, which you’d know if you had talked to me at all for the past two weeks, like you would have known that Neal is actually engaged to Aurora, the girl from my Psych class but since you don’t seem to care very much about what I say I don’t find it surprising that you wouldn’t know, now how about you fuck off and keep fucking your way through the clubs of New York?”

he looks at you, stunned, so you push him out of the door, not able to look at him anymore, you lock the door behind you and you go to bed and borrow yourself under the covers, grab your cell phone and send a text to one of your classmate saying you’re not going to classes tomorrow and you finally let all your heart bleed out through your tears devastated and hopeless.


	5. your soul you must keep totally free

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: they get back together (part 1)

The next morning Killian had come to her as she was eating at the kitchen table, had stood up before her - he was still in his sweatpants, his eyes were bloodshot from the booze but also from the lack of sleep, and his hair were ruffled in the way that meant that he had pulled at his hair while thinking - and had said, “I want to say that I’m sorry, I treated you like shit, all that because I was jealous, and I didn’t even try to talk to you about it, and I am so sorry, and I know we are not getting back together, not now at least, I don’t deserve you, but I want us to try to be friends again, I feel like we haven’t spoken freely together in so long, it’s like when we got together, we lost all our years of friendship… I want to prove myself to you again, please Emma?”, during his whole speech she had leveled him with an indifferent eye, waiting for the wrong word to be spoken so she’d have a reason to express her anger again, but she had to give it to him, he was sincerely sorry, and not trying to pass his actions off as normal.

She stared at him for a while, thinking of what to say, of how to convey her feelings, “what you did was inacceptable and awful and I hate you for that, but I also miss my best friend, it was so good during the first months, we were as I had always imagined us and then little by little it just fell apart, we took each other for granted and it sucked, but what you did was worse, you gave up on me, instead of talking to me about it, and I really really want to hate you for that for a while more before trying to start our friendship again so… I don’t know, just- let me some time to be angry at you and then we can try being friends again, okay?”

“I can do that, I’ll do anything to not lose you Emma”, he answered pleadingly and he kept his word; the following week, he did not try to approach her at all, when Neal came in the apartment to study with Emma, Killian nodded at him and then kept on working on his computer in the living room, giving them space, he even withstood Emma yelling at him after he had invited Milah in the apartment and that she had made remarks at Emma, so the next Sunday, when Killian was watching a rerun of Psych on TV - which had been one of their favorite TV shows to watch together as August did not like it - Emma grabbed a box of cookies from the cupboard, sat next to Killian and held the box towards him; it was a baby step indeed, but a first step for sure.


	6. All the faults you've left behind

He was nursing his third cup of coffee when he heard Emma’s door open and saw Jefferson silently tread through the apartment, his hair was disheveled, he had dead tired eyes and looked so depressed, that Killian could not help but pour the man a cup of coffee, even though he wanted to hate him at the moment; Jefferson and Emma had been “dating” for about a month now, it wasn’t much dating as fuck-buddies but no matter how he tried to put it in perspective it still made him so jealous that it wasn’t him with her, it made him want to burn everything, but that day he could not hate the man who had buried his best friend the day before.

Graham had been a great man, Killian had liked him as soon as Emma had introduced them, but he only saw him across campus or when they sometimes met at parties - Graham had been closer to Emma and Jefferson, he was the reason they met, Jefferson had been Graham’s best friend and Emma and Graham had struck an “epic friendship”, they had planned to enlist in the force together, they both studied criminology and sometimes went to lectures for graduate students - and he had been sad to hear of the man dying, but as much as he felt sad for Jefferson who had lost his best friend, he was feeling Emma’s pain, Graham had died in her arms, during their usual Wednesday jogging of a heart attack when the man had never showed any sign of heart disease, and yet he just died in her arms in the middle of the lovely park that surrounded the campus.

Jefferson had grabbed the cup of coffee, thanked Killian with a nod and then went to the living room to find his coat and shoes, when he came back to the kitchen he dropped the cup in the sink and left quietly out the door which left Killian surprised, he thought Jefferson and Emma would spend the day together to grieve for Graham; he was lost in his mind and did not hear the door of Emma’s room open, she appeared in front of him suddenly, making him startle - he watched her, she looked as if she hadn’t slept at all, she was completely blank, empty, and suddenly his thoughts that Jefferson and Emma had had comfort sex did not seem so plausible anymore - he started talking as she sat in front of him and let her head rest on the table, “how-“, “I miss you”, she whispered, her head now laying over her arms; he waited, “Jefferson… We broke up, I want to go back with you if you still want me, I don’t know if you still love me but I never stopped and when I was with Jeff I expected you to just go in a jealous rage but you didn’t and I know that you won’t act like last time again, and I don’t want to keep denying myself, I miss you Killian, I miss you and… Graham is dead, he was fine and then he was dead and I don’t want to keep waiting for the right time, I need to be with you”, Killian rose from his chair, knelt at her feet and whispered to her, “Emma, I never stopped loving you” - the rest of the day was spent together grieving for their friend, grieving for Emma and Graham’s partnership, the future that they had imagined as super detectives who would save the world, because it would never happen.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm on Tumblr and you can prompt me here: lethally.tumblr.com/ask 
> 
> Titles from Mumford and Sons' White Blank Page and Babel


End file.
